Backpack from Hell

I've already expressed how much I hate Juicy Couture. Apparently, the company was not satisfied with the intensity of my hatred, so they've tried to, as Emeril would say, kick it up a notch. At least, that is what I'm assuming from their latest hideous offering: the Quilted Nylon Backpack.

The backpack by itself is bad enough. The quilted nylon can only be the bastard lovechild of an overstuffed down jacket and a mid-1990s Prada handbag. But then, the patches.

In this modern age of Gossip Girl and NYC Prep, it can be tempting to target the wealthy, Upper East Side socialite market. However, I don't really think that is who Juicy is going for. Trust fund babies are not going to buy Juicy; they are going to buy Chanel. And Juicy knows this. So I can only imagine that the actual target customer of this hideous backpack is the aspirational suburban tween, the one who wishes she was an Upper East Side socialite trust fund baby and thinks she should want a quilted nylon backpack with a huge "Juicy Couture Prep" patch on it.

Well, I have news for you, Juicy: they're smarter than that. They know that their not-so-hard earned $228 would be better spent on Jonas Brothers tickets and multiple copies of the Twilight DVD.

Nice try.

Halloween Bag Bitch

Unless you intend to dress up as Angelina Jolie for Halloween, this

is a big no-no.

The lips wristlet by Betsey Johnson. $78 on shopbop.

About Face

I'm all about the avant-garde when it comes to handbags, provided that it's attractive, surprising, and difficult to replicate.

This ridiculous purple tote bag just doesn't seem to fit the bill. Sorry, Sonia, but I could make this fourth grade art project with a $5 canvas bag and a few pieces of brightly colored felt from Wal-Mart.

Maybe that's what I'll do this weekend.
$320 fom Net-A-Porter, Sonia by Sonia Rykiel.

The Bead Store Threw Up and This Came Out

The Beaded Shoulder Bag by Matthew Williamson is truly heinous.

Maybe it would look appropriate if Mary Kate Olsen was carrying it in the 80s, wearing baggy acid wash jeans and an oversized purple crew-neck cotton t-shirt, big, dark, poofy, frizzy hair, and moccasins.

If you do not fit this description entire, then this bag is not for you.

$900 (why??????????) from net-a-porter.

The Prada Nappa S Ruffle Clutch in Beige:

The head of a golden elephant:

That's all.

$1,695 at Neiman Marcus in beige and nero.

A Horse Shoe of a Different Color

The summer of my 8th year, I went to a daycamp that offered horseback riding. That summer I came to love it - I was pretty decent at trotting, cantering, galloping, a.k.a. sitting atop the horse while it pranced along at faster and faster speeds.

Once I mastered the act of going up and down on top of the horse in concert with its movements, my counselors decided it was time for me to take my riding to the next level: jumping!

I was so excited. I sat on the horse, staring at the 1.5 foot high gate, visualizing myself sailing over it with grace, making it look so effortless that even the counselors would be impressed.

I kicked the side of the horse, rode towards the gate, and as the horse began its jump, I went up into the air and...

fell off the horse and onto my ass.

Ouch.

Later that day, the camp counselors, in great ceremony, presented me with two starbursts and a silver horseshoe. They mumbled something about bravery...strength...getting back on the horse...but now I recognize the gifts for what they were: hush money!

I swear this story has a point. As I was browsing through the pages of net-a-porter this morning, I was reminded of my fall and subsequent "please don't sue us" horseshoe and starburst combo.

Can you guess why?

The Trigger Shoulder Bag by Alexander McQueen - $2,345 at net-a-porter.

I'm Working on the Highways and Byways

The other day I ran an errand to CVS, and on the way back to work I came upon a group of gentlemen who I first took to be good samaritans.

Then I looked a little more closely and observed the following:

1. The men were cleaning trash off the sidewalk and almost seemed happy about it
2. The men were being watched by some burly, blue-clad police officers
3. The men were all wearing t-shirts in the brightest shade of neon green I'd ever seen

Conclusion: a modern day chain gang!

And so, to these hopefully non-violent felons I say: thanks for keeping my city clean, and thanks for reminding me that t-shirts and bags should never be made in bright neon green

Like this Marc by Marc Jacobs shoulder bag:Marc by Marc Jacobs
Lil Riz shoulder bag
$430 at net-a-porter.

Dolce & Gabbana, Magician

In the Lily Satchel, D&G has become the master of the optical illusion.

I saw the first picture and thought, cute bag! Great shape, nice long handles, good use of hardware (the lil key is so cute!), and a fierce bright colored lining - in all, a winner!

And then I had the misfortune of looking at it from a different angle. The bag quickly plummeted from winner to lahoo-zahur. This bag is absolutely HIDEOUS! I don't understand the shape at all, or how it could be at all comfortable to carry around. And, thanks very much, D&G, but I prefer to leave my rainbows in the SKY, not on my bag. Oh, and the gratuitous use of zippers...don't even get me started.


So now I feel cheated by D&G, the great bag tease of our time. I guess I learned my lesson: before getting excited about a bag, view it from all possible angles.

$1,400 at Neimans.

I Cause Enough Destruction Myself, Thank You Very Much

Once when I was in high school I went to Montgomery Mall and purchased a pair of jeans. They were really cool at the time - kind of tattered looking, a couple small holes in the legs, frayed at the bottom. I'm sure you wore them too. And man, I thought I was cool.

That was until I wore them the next day, and before dinner that night my dad looked them over and said something to the effect of, "Shannah, I think it's time you bought yourself a new pair of jeans. Those have seen better days."

I didn't have the heart to tell him that it was my first time wearing them. But on the inside, I felt like a fool. And I learned my lesson, too: I was no longer going to pay a premium for someone to make my brand new jeans or any other items of clothing look as if they had been purchased from the thrift store down the street.

And I've stuck to it ever since. It hasn't been difficult, of course, because this trend went the way of acid washed jeans and leg warmers. Now in order to get that signature worn-in-hand-me-down look, you have to put the work in yourself.

So, I wasn't thrilled to see one of Mulberry's latest bags reprise the look that I thought I had left behind years ago. The Milton shoulder bag has the "distressed look of a well loved vintage bag." I personally would prefer a REAL vintage back that's really distressed, and not just designed to look like one, but that's just me. The color is divine, yes, but otherwise this bag just misses the mark. I have enough distress in my life, anyway.

Mulberry Milton Shoulder Bag
$1,595 at net-a-porter

Another Stunner from Our Favorite Swindler, Martin

I've covered bags by Martin Margiela twice now, and it's no secret that I'm not a fan of his work. His MO seems to be to take an ordinary household objects (bindlestif, towel, etc.), add a strap, and then sell for hundreds of dollars to all of us suckers who covet designer labels. I had predicted that a tissue box would be his next victim, and that we'd all be walking around with Kleenex boxes around our arms, but apparently I was off the mark.

Meet the Swindlers new creation, the high-priced-bag-made-from-an-ordinary-object-called-a-laundry-bag. Yes, that's right, a LAUNDRY BAG is what Martin has chosen as his next object of the moment, his "it" trend, his money-making scheme du jour.

Use it as a laundry bag, or throw it over your shoulder and invite the stares of confused passers-by. What could be more fun?

Maison Martin Margiela MM6
Long Leather Bag
$385 at eluxury

patchDOESN'Twork

It's probably no surprise to you that I hate patchwork. I've truly never seen a patchwork bag that I didn't not like. The mixing of colors just really doesn't do it for me, and I doubt that it ever will. This is partially because I like my bags to be simple, and for me, simple = three colors or less (typically one for the outside, one for the hardware, and one for the inside). Start throwing in multiple colors on the outside of the bag and I just get confused!

The other reason I'm not a huge fan of patchwork is because the colors tend to be oh-so-ugly together. It's really bizarre to me, because designers should have pretty good vision when it comes to knowing what colors go well together, but they just don't seem to be able to figure it out. As evidence: this Celine Watch Me Dance clutch. Alone, these colors would probably make for a very nice bag. Red, black, blue, ivory, yellow: all compelling colors for a clutch, sure. But you put them together and suddenly you have a puzzle that doesn't quite fit. This is a case where the whole is equal to significantly less of the sum of its parts.

Am I on my own here? Do you have a patchwork bag that you covet, or do you hate it like me?

Celine Watch Me Dance clutch
$1,200 at net-a-porter

A Few Good Ostriches, One Bad Color

I seem to have an easier time being ok with exotic leathers when they are used to make a gorgeous bag. When, however, the product is hideously ugly, my inner PETA emerges.

Like, for example, this unfortunately-colored mustardy brownish pea green ostrich hobo. The style isn't horrible, per se, but the color - oh, the color - is absolutely dreadful.

Those poor, poor ostriches.

Nuti Medium Ostrich Hobo Bag

$3,980 at Saks

Stick to Shoes, Please

Methinks Christian Louboutin, the illustrious red-soled shoe director, should stick to designing shoes. They may cost 800 smackers, but they are lovely and red-soled and beautiful.

His bags, on the other hand, are FUGalicious. Don't quit your day job, Sir Louboutin.

Newspaper Patent Clutch
$525 at Saks

Framed Clutch

$740 at Saks. Also in Fushia.

Elephantitis

Did you think these Judith Leiber bags were bad? I used to be one of you.

Until, of course, I came across the Ganesh Collectors Clutch. The pineapple, cupcake, and terrier are child's play in comparison. Because this clutch, ladies and gentlemen, is an ELEPHANT.

Now, don't get me wrong. The clutch is actually kinda beautiful. For, like, a statue or something. But as a HANDBAG? Um...no.

$5,595 at Neiman Marcus.

Label Whore

Dear Marc Jacobs,

Please stop insulting my intelligence. Unless of course you want me to tattoo "ego-maniacal fashion designer" on your forehead. In which case, label away.

Best Regards,
Handbag Blogger (at least that's what my t-shirt says)

$128 at Saks.

Hardware Hazard

Ohhhhh, Gucci. What am I going to do with you?

I like a well-placed stud as much as the next person. However, like sugar or alcohol or wasabi, too much of it makes an otherwise good thing VERY VERY bad. Don't you know that overindulging in hardware can be hazardous to your health?

Case in point:

Medium Babouska Heart Bag
$2,495 at Saks


Medium Babouska Heart Tote
$2,195 at Saks

I'm making an appointment with my eye doctor as we speak...

Tie-Dye for Dummies

Sigh...whoever thought that tie-dye and luxury handbags could go together was just plain wrong. Tie-dye should be reserved for ratty old t-shirts and summer camp arts and crafts activities and muu-muus - but not, I repeat, NOT, luxury handbags!!!

And if Ferragamo is trying to corner the sliver of a hippie market, I have news for you: they're not gonna drop $1,750 on a bag they could probably make themselves out of bed sheets and indigo and a wee bit of LSD.

Don't pick yours up today at Saks.

Salvatore Ferragamo
Tie-Dye Suede Tote

She's Got An Amazing Pair of Headlights

Yeah, I don't really get this one either. I wish designers would give up on integrating more than a few colors in one bag. Especially colors that don't even go together! Lime green, olive green, turquoise, beige, and brown combined into one item is not my idea of a good time. Throw in black and red, and you've really entered into headache-inducing territory.

Buy this multi-colored mess (or Miss Curly Colorblock Pocket Bag, as D&G refers to it) on eLuxury for...umm...$2,595! Biggest rip-off in history?

Ummm...huh?

Why so shy, Ali Shoulder Bag? What are you hiding under your rectangular, silver-tipped arms?

Sorry, but I just don't get this bag.

Does Life Imitate Art, or Does Art Imitate...Baseball?

I think I pretty firmly established in this post (under "the bad") that handbag designers should not turn to boxing for inspiration. And now apparently baseball has to be added to the don't-use-sports-as-handbag-inspiration-PLEASE! list.

I like baseball as much as the next gal. It is America's pastime, after all. And I played softball for many, many years when I was younger. So if anyone would like a baseball-inspired handbag, it would be me.

But, not so much. I don't know what the heck an Astor Grommet is (anyone? Bueller?), but I know that I don't want to eat it, watch it, or wear it on my arm

And it really kills me to say this, because Mikey Kors is by far my favorite Project Runway judge. Maybe it's time for him to stop the whole designer thing and to focus full time on PR.

Am I totally off-base here? Or are these bags fugtastic? Baseball as art: yay or nay?

MICHAEL Michael Kors Astor Grommet Hobo
$378
Bloomingdales
MICHAEL Michael Kors Astor Grommet Large Satchel
$498
Bloomingdales